All you need is love
This month, GUFAB is all about love - loving others, yourself, a lack of love, films for love and the food we love.
Hello everyone!
It’s February and officially the Year of the Tiger. Well, you can certainly dig your claws into some of the things we’ve got lined up in the ‘letter this month.
Firstly, we begin with a piece on people pleasing, or love-as-disguise. Don’t worry, it’s not all gloomy though - the food love stories at the end will brighten the day (hopefully! they won’t make it rain at least). In between, you can take your pick of film recs, seasonal foods, self love suggestions and an article on the symbolism behind Chinese New Year’s foods. Also some Shrove Tuesday ideas (for 1 March). We’d recommend them all.
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Of course! No problem! I’ll have it done ASAP!
Have you ever texted these words and felt a little uneasy or guilty or like you had to say them?
We all like to see people happy, and do things for our friends, but sometimes you can find yourself doing them to your own detriment. Yes, you can love to detriment - for the ones receiving it and those giving it. People-pleasing is an issue that stems from insecurity. People who do it find themselves oversubscribing to helping others, and giving their time, money and effort to other people, but disregarding their own dreams and needs. By ignoring what you need, and valuing others above yourself, you do a disservice to yourself. So why people-please? The belief that the other person will value you and not desert you is the primary reason. By constantly giving, you hope you will keep the approval of those people. Saying no to even just one request fills you with unnecessary guilt. People pleasing behaviours range widely - whether it’s a problem saying no without feeling guilty, constantly apologising, taking the blame when you’ve done nothing wrong, not having enough free time or neglecting your needs. This doesn’t only happen in romantic relationships, but also can be in work, home and friendships.
More often than not, it’s due to insecurity, low self esteem and perfectionism (trouble comes in threes). But it can also be due to past experiences. If you find yourself with this pattern of behaviour, it may be shaped from the relationships you’ve known in early life. Whatever the reason though, unlearning is crucial.
This is because people-pleasing doesn’t have the great, compassionate effect it might purport to have. Firstly, giving for reasons other than love does not have positive effects - it takes out the compassion, replacing it with validation and fear. Is being kind because you are scared a good idea? It will not bring the satisfaction that comes from being kind for kindness’s sake.
Secondly, when the people you are trying to please do not return the favour to the same extent, you can start feeling bitter. After all, you are giving so much and not getting the same in return.
Thirdly, it will increase anxiety. You will be juggling the needs of others, and putting them above your own so 1) you’ll stress you’re not doing enough for them and try to manage your timetable of pleasing them and 2) you’ll neglect your own life which will cause underlying anxieties as you get older and regret. This isn’t fair.
After all, you deserve to have a good life and achieve your dreams. You deserve to be loved for who you are, not what you do. You deserve love. You don’t need the stress of keeping up appearances and living for others, forgetting your own dreams.
Two big tips for reducing people-pleasing behaviours would be - establish boundaries and evaluate requests. Keep your spaces sacred. And know your own priorities and responsibilities, sticking to them before offering to assist other peoples’. It’s great to help people, and it does make you happy, but think about why and how often you’re doing it. If the answer is: I’m scared that if I don’t, people won’t like me, then that is people-pleasing.
The bottom line is: Helping people out of love is great, but not when it’s from a place of seeking validation or fearing their judgments. Not when it takes over your own life, as you are important too. Your own life is worth investment, and it’s only when you invest in yourself that you can properly make a difference in other people's lives. Love isn’t all the other person in the relationship needs - they need you as a person too.
Loving things to do: for your mind, body and soul
You can do a lot worse than to take a few minutes out of your day to show yourself a bit of love.
For the mind: Take a relaxing walk in nature (without headphones) and really listen to the sounds around you. Go forest bathing if you can. And if there’s one thing minds love, it’s a glass of cold water (you will appreciate it come the essay deadline).
For the body: Go outside at around 8am and feel that glorious morning sun, to remind yourself spring is on its way. Also helps you wake up because of the brightness. Dress up - even if it’s WFH, even if Storm Eunice has barricaded you inside lately. Try dance-meditations - all about releasing trapped emotions while dancing! Sounds like you? Try this one.
For the soul: Watch this.
Symbolic foods
The celebration of Lunar New Year has many aspects - but among the red lanterns (+ envelopes) and fireworks, the Reunion Dinner at the beginning is what we’re focused on. During the dinner, it is traditional to have many foods, some of which come with their own meanings, symbolising various values and aspirations. Read on for some.
Jiaozi - commonly called dumplings in the UK, they represent luck. This is due to their shared resemblance with ancient Chinese money. Tradition dictates one dumpling on the table will have a coin inside, giving the lucky eater a year’s luck and wealth.
Yi Mein - longevity noodles, which are extra long (we’re thinking up to 2ft) symbolise a long life. The longer the noodle, the longer your life will be, according to Chinese tradition. They shouldn’t be broken down into smaller pieces while cooking!
Whole steamed fish - abundance and good fortune! Traditional etiquette means the fish is placed so that the head points towards special and older guests. Turning the fish over is not allowed after one side is eaten - it can reverse the fortune. Yú, the word for fish, is pronounced in the same way as the one for surplus.
Spring rolls - prosperity and wealth, with the golden colour and shape resembling gold bars. They are a popular festival food, also eaten at the time of the Spring Festival to welcome the new season!
Oranges - lots of these are around during the celebrations as they symbolise good luck and happiness. In fact, the Chinese name for oranges is similar sounding to luck. Their golden-y colours also are thought to represent prosperity.
Symbolising food is an interesting idea, and reminds me of the way we categorise foods everyday - whether by time of day, occasions, feelings, personal beliefs. I wonder if the way we define foods changes our feelings about them, or whether the categories come about as a result of our feelings? For a lot of the Chinese New Year foods, I noticed their symbols coincided with similarity in words/pronunciations and their appearances. I don’t know how much this affected their naming. It did seem inspirational, and a positive way to start the year though. The way we see food can be a representation of our feelings towards it or our ancestors’ or society’s. Celebrating life through food, or food through life, can be a solid way to begin connecting to ourselves and others better.
Film recommendations
Watches that aren’t necessarily romance-orientated, but definitely about love.
Little Women (2020) - platonic and romantic love, motherly and familial. Super sweet, although it made me quite sad. One you can rewatch easily.
In the Heights (2021) - love of community, of music. A feast for the ears and the eyes - and for those who enjoy topical social commentary in their musicals.
I Feel Pretty (2018) - self love/confidence.
Tick tick boom! (2021) - love of the arts, and personal passions and friends. For musical theatre fans (an absolute delight) but also if you’re not so much into it. It’s an autobiographical and emotional watch.
Victoria and Abdul (2017) - cross cultural love, love despite society. For people who like Judi Dench, history and breaking social constructs.
Bonus (anti-love?): The Instagram Effect - a stark reminder of the ways social media can influence our self-image, and how we should always be aware of this! I’m urging you to be revolutionary and love yourself for who you are, not what instagram says you should be!
In season: February and March
Seasonal foods for this month and next.
Cauliflower
Artichoke
Kale
Beetroot
Sweet potato
Carrots
Food Love Stories
I’ve gone head over heels for quick vegan meals. To be specific, tofu-based ones. You can have it almost any way - whether it’s a coconut curry, with noodles (rice ones are the best), with rice or in a wrap. In a salad is also an option. Ever since learning tofu is the easiest thing to make (empty it from the packet, drain any water and chop into blocks, pop on the hob), I’ve found it startlingly satisfactory. I would recommend the extra firm tofu brand Tofoo to avoid draining it. You can make tofu taste like anything - it absorbs everything that’s around it. You can change the texture by lightly frying it coated in cornflour, or just sizzle it as it is. It’s a good way to reduce environmental impact, and increase protein intake. It’s such a solid base for meals, I love it. The best thing though - it’s so quick to cook! Perfect dinner at uni, also cracking work-from-home lunch.
Can we have a moment for walnuts? Actually, all the nuts, to be honest. I feel like nuts are so underrated. I blame this on supermarkets. We get adverts for crisps, biscuits and chocolates all the time, but never the nimble nut. Maybe they remain hidden because of their size, or boring colour, or often stated bland taste. Nuts, however, are the perfect snack. They are easily portable without being crunched into pieces (crisps), or melting (chocolate). The walnut in particular tastes amazing. They are moreish. They are decorative. They even bring a sense of achievement - when you manage to get one out of the shell. They are interesting - always different, and rarely bland. The versatility is to be commended - you can stick them on cereal, yoghurt bowls, pasta, salad, in sandwiches, whizz them up onto a paste or just eat them as nature intended. Can you do this with a Pringle?
Heads up - It’s Pancake Day on the 1st of March!
You may want to come back to this section then, for some toppings (and mix) inspiration.
The Reliables
Traditional: Lemon and sugar
Strong and stable: peanut butter, banana and maple syrup
Delightful: chocolate spread and blueberries
The Desserts
Everyday’s a Sundae: ice-cream (any flavour!), syrup and chopped nuts
Sweetie pie: Applesauce and cinnamon
Plucky plums: Sauteed plums and creme fraiche
The Unconventional
Microdosing Iron: Chopped spinach and chocolate spread.
‘I prefer bagels’: Creme fraiche mixture (4tbsp creme fraiche,1 shallot, 1 tbsp dill and squeeze of lemon juice) and smoked salmon.
Too many choices? Combine: Bacon and berries.
This is it from the Food and Body newsletter this month. Keep an eye out for us, in terms of events - we hope to have some more in the future, but were staying cautious with Omicron earlier. We hope you are all staying safe, and keeping yourselves in a positive state of mind. It can be super busy with coursework just now, so remember to ask for help when needed and look after your health. With the range of negative news stories right now, we can all get down. The most important thing to remember is that you are not alone in this.
And one more thing - just look at how much you’ve grown in the last year! Take a minute to be proud, you strong human.
Stay tuned for the next letter, next month!
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This newsletter was written by Aysha Sohail.